The 2 Best and Hardest Things I’ve Ever Done Both Begin With “M”
Posted on January 27, 2013 on my original blog “My Kind of Perfect”
This Blog Post has been brought to you by the letter “M”.
I’ve been with my husband for going on 13 years. Over these years, there have been many ups and downs and many things that I wish that had been easier because they’ve really tested us and our relationship. I know that’s what marriage is all about, but sometimes I wonder how many tough times can one relationship sustain before it’s considered “too much”. My parents got divorced when I was a teenager after 17 years of marriage. I actually had been praying for that marriage to be over years earlier because the constant fighting was torture. It was so bad that I actually swore I would never get married for the longest time. My picture of marriage was such a twisted one. Overtime, I changed my opinion of it and after dating my husband for a while, I started picturing what my life being married to him would be like. I pictured it to be perfect and something out of a romantic, love story you would watch on the big screen. My marriage and adult life was supposed to make up for the not-so-pretty moments of my younger years. I put too much pressure on it from the beginning. As I’ve said before, it hasn’t turned out at all like I had pictured. Marriage is 1000 times tougher than I had ever imagined. Maybe that makes me a bad wife because I say that or feel that way. However, I’m just being honest because I think most people would say that Marriage is very hard work. I would love to sit down with couples that have been married for a few decades and ask them how many times, if any, did they think that it may not be worth it all or maybe they questioned if this was as good as it gets when their kids were younger, the schedules were crazy and date nights and romantic gestures were a distant memory. Sometimes when it’s super crazy, I need to hear that it gets easier if you just continue to stick together. I want to know that these couples may have fought like cats and dogs at certain points, disagreed with each other, maybe even wanted to give their spouse a good, swift kick in the ass, only to laugh about it all later.
When you’re in the thick of it, you need to hear these kinds of things. I think many look for hope that, “This too shall pass”. See, I need to know that when we’re passing each other in our house because we’re rushing out to work again, or a class for our daughter or therapy for our son, that one day we’re going to sit in awe knowing we made it through the craziness of earlier days. When you’re in the thick of it and going about your daily routines, those days turns into weeks, and weeks turn into months quickly, where you realize you haven’t had time with your spouse to just be with each other and not discuss what needs to be done within the family. Recently, my husband and I got an unexpected night out at a Bruin’s game. It was so nice because we didn’t talk about the kids or our life stresses. That night was all about my husband and I and just having fun enjoying what he loves to do. It made me remember why I love him so much and that he is a lot of fun to be with, and to see him as the individual that I met and fell in love with rather than “The Other Parent” role that gets stuck in my head. And I know it’s the same for him, too. So it may seem like an easy solution to the problem: Just get out with each other for date nights more often; except, it’s not that easy at all. He works a crazy schedule, lots of overnights, sleeps during the days. We also constantly have a therapist at our house working with our son, or are driving him to a therapy session Monday thru Friday. We have our daughter that we like to take to classes and play dates to let her be the social butterfly she is, and to make things all about her sometimes, too. We have put our relationship on the back burner, because everything else is so important. But the truth is, our marriage is just as important. It’s important to us and our children. Our Marriage is hard work, but our love makes it worth it.
And then there’s Motherhood. There are the sleepless nights, feeling like you’ve lost your individuality because your life is now all about your children, sweat pants no longer being just for working out, a clean house is a distant memory, and wine is now your new best friend because you don’t have the time to see yours anymore. They don’t tell you all of these things in that “What to expect when you’re expecting” book. They should tell us that you will never be able to take a shower again or go to the bathroom alone without little ones demanding to watch you for a VERY long time. I’d imagine it stops when they’re suddenly too cool to be seen with you, so let’s say 12-13 years. Mothers should be warned that you’ll experience many moments of embarrassment when your child is either throwing a temper tantrum in a crowded mall while everyone’s staring at you as you try to bribe them with everything just to get up and stop, or jumping on an elderly woman in a wheel chair with a broken leg, demanding that they want to go for a ride. There isn’t a preparation course for the moment as a parent when you find out that your child has special needs and is diagnosed with Autism. There is no book that warns that you may want to get into a physical altercation with a 5 year old bully, but obviously will have to refrain. No one explains potty training hell and that your whole house becomes one big rest room. No one tells you about the wide range of emotions that you will feel and that will tear your heart out and break it into a million pieces. No one tells you that you may have a thick skin for yourself, but that skin is completely different when it comes to your kids.
I don’t think anyone talks to new and expecting mothers about it all because they’re too busy remembering and usually thinking and talking about all the amazing moments our children give us. The love, the smiles, all the funny things they say and do, how cute they are, and watching them grow into beautiful little people overshadows and makes you forget the struggles. It makes it all worth it. It’s why people do it again and again. Motherhood is extremely hard, but nothing short of amazing.
So the two best and toughest things I have ever done in my life; both begin with the letter M, are both ridiculously tough, but both give me incredible joy.